Cheers and Jeers: Tuesday

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Birth Certificate Pandemonium Breaks Out Among GOP Base

(IOWA) --- In a bizarre twist to an already tumultuous campaign season, hard-core supporters of the Republican presidential hopefuls are taking aim at each other, insisting that their rival candidates must either produce a valid birth certificate or drop out of the race.

"Until we see proper long-form certificates with a raised seal, the rest of the field is from Mars as far as I'm concerned," said Darwin C. Strohmeyer, 54, of Cedar Rapids, a Michele Bachmann supporter.

"Well, I've heard Bachmann was smuggled into this country from South America in a steamer trunk," shot back Sissy Parkes, 63, of Ottumwa, a regular canvasser for Rick Santorum. "So she can just cough hers up, too."

The controversy erupted in an online chat room when a supporter of Tim Pawlenty claimed that embattled candidate Newt Gingrich was born "with a sterling silver spoon in his mouth in North Tiffanystan." That prompted an outpouring of demands for Gingrich to produce his "Certificate of Live Birth," along with a stampede to Google Maps to find the location of North Tiffanystan.

By the time it was determined that the country doesn?t exist, it was too late. The war of words had spread to conservative blogs, Politico, The Drudge Report, The Wall Street Journal, The New York Post, Fox News, Huffington Post and, finally, the entire mainstream media.

RNC chairman Rience Priebus tried to quell the ruckus by assuring the Republican faithful that each of the candidates is "as American as I am." Unfortunately, he forgot that an open microphone was clipped to his lapel, and was caught whispering to himself, "At least I think they are. Better check. Start with Cain." After a hasty apology, a flash tea party mob agreed to stop mummifying Priebus with duct tape just as soon as he produced his own birth certificate, a process hampered by the fact that he remains propped up in a corner, immobile, at Dryer's Soda Fountain in Ames.

As of Monday evening, no birth certificate had been produced by any candidate. However, Mitt Romney's chief of staff released a library card, which the Ron Paul campaign immediately dismissed as a "crude forgery."

Meanwhile conservative author Jerome Corsi said he was working on a new book titled, "Where are the Birth Certificates?" It is scheduled for release one day after all the birth certificates are released.

"Queen Birther" Orly Taitz could not be reached for comment, as the thought of so many missing birth certificates had put her in an extended catatonic state.

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